im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My feet surprised me
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