apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
