I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
