Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
