There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
