I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
