While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
