whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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