I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
