hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
