Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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