just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize