what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
