I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
