I seem to have left my pride at pride
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
