He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
