i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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