I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
try to milk me bitch
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
