I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
