and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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