Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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