I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize