alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
