That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
