Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
