I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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