there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
