uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize