Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Just puked most of my soul out..
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
