so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
