im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
