I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
