he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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