mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
