Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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