How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I think I sprained my soul last night
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
