Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
