the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
