They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
