Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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