I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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