omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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