I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
