you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
3 2 1 whiskey
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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