my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
