I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
