I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We are two peas in an std pod
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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