I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
