Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
