I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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