the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
