i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
there's paper in my vomit.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize