My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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