I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
